"Cheater" Guacamole and My Imaginary Parenthood | omeletta.com

“Cheater” Guacamole

 "Cheater" Guacamole and My Imaginary Parenthood | omeletta.com

We are deep in the throes of the peanut’s first emerging tooth and ugggggh.  Teething is The Worst Ever. Just when I thought we’d made it, when we’d gotten out alive from those fussy, dark, overwhelming days of her first three months, here comes the grumpiness again, storming through our happy and blissed out little routine.  My cheerful, cuddly girl has turned into a whiny, clingy, drooly mess of a baby, and I’m trying desperately to cling to enough sanity for the both of us.  And then my mother ruins everything and tells me last night that this tooth could stop and start for weeks or months before actually breaking through. Acca-scuse me?

I know, I know, all the parents out there are like, “HA HA HA, kids, man!  As soon as you have it figured it, they change it up on you!” and isn’t that just a HILARIOUS thing to say?  Until you are actually living it every day.  

Teether | omeletta.com

Here’s another thing everyone says, which I am raising my voice in chorus: This is turning out to be a lot different than I imagined it would be while I was pregnant.  Here’s how I thought my days would go, compared to how they actually are:

Early Mornings:

Baby wakes up at some perfectly normal time, like 8:00 am, cooing from her crib.  I go and get her and we nurse quietly in the morning light. Then I babywear like the good hippie I am, drink hot coffee and we play.

How It Really Is:

Baby wakes up at some random hour between 6-8 am, yelling from her crib as though someone is trying to saw her arm off.  As soon as I enter her room and she sees me, she is all smiles.  We have a longish nursing session because everything in the world distracts her these days.  She’ll nurse, then pull of and smile at me, then nurse again, then pull off and smile at the window, then nurse, before pulling off to laugh to herself as though she’s remembering some joke she heard the other day.  

She won’t let me babywear her unless we’re walking, so I lay her on her her playmat where she gnaws on her Sophie the Giraffe and I make coffee.  She starts in on the whole “I’ll roll on to my tummy and YOU can roll me back again” malarky, which we engage in numerous times (to her delight) as my coffee grows lukewarm.  

How I Imagined Baby Naps:

At a designated, always-the-same-because-yay-schedules naptime, I lay my baby down in her crib, where she rolls over peacefully and sleeps for three hours.  I take this time to work and make calls and shower and maybe clean and have a little time to myself.

How It Really Is:

At some random time after she has started to show signs of tiredness, I lay my baby down in her crib and she starts yelling as if her arm is being sawed off.  She used to go down with zero fuss, but now that teething has reared its ugly head, sleep is our eternal power struggle. She sleeps somewhere between 45 minutes and two hours, so I work and shower frantically, trying to get as much done as I can before she wakes up because I never really know how long I have.  

Teething Sucks | omeletta.com

How I Imagined Afternoons:

The baby lies on a playmat, playing quietly, while I cook and take fancy ass photos of my food so I can post it on here accompanied by a typical overshare post.

How It Really Is:

We pack up and leave the apartment after her morning nap, or we will both go stir-crazy.  Walks, the park, playgroup, Mommy-and-Me Yoga (my fave, because she is hilarious doing baby tree poses and royally sucking at shivasana, the pose where you are supposed to lie still), or the playground where she stares at the big kids on the jungle gym and gnaws away at her teething toys. My meals are eaten with one hand while pushing a stroller in the other, or out of a bowl while hovering over her playmat and making faces.  Did I tell you I’m hysterically funny?  The baby sure thinks I am!  If you ever need a boost in life, find a way to have a baby laugh at you.  It’s as if all my Christmas mornings came at once.


How I Imagined Bedtime:

I lay my baby down to go to sleep at an earlyish hour, after a bath and a loving nursing session.

How It Really Is:

More arms-sawed-off yelling from the crib.  Occasionally this ramps up to wails, too heartbreaking to listen to, so I go and nurse her to sleep and break every rule in the parenting book by doing so.  Bedtime sleep used to take nearly two hours  to accomplish; we’re down to about half an hour or so by now even with the teething, which I consider my first major parenting accomplishment.

How I Imagined My Evenings After The Baby Is Asleep:

A time to work, catch up on my TV shows, talk to family and friends on the phone.  If my husband is home we have bonding time and rediscover what we love about each other.

How It Really Is:

I eat a bowl of my cheater guacamole (recipe below) and pass out in front of the tv by 9.  

If my husband is home, we order food for delivery and then pass out in front of the tv by 9.

This is parenthood, friends.   

"Cheater" Guacamole and My Imaginary Parenthood | omeletta.com

Cheater Guacamole
I turn to this guac when I have more time than usual, but less than what I would like (does that make sense?) It’s basically just mashed avocado, lime juice, a bit of salt, and garlic- but it gets me through that hump of time between 4pm and bedtime. I eat with pita chips and maybe a spoon if I get desperate.
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  1. 1 very ripe avocado
  2. the juice of one large lime (I nuke it in the microwave for 30 seconds before squeezing, you get more juice that way)
  3. 1-2 large garlic cloves, minced
  4. sea salt, to taste
  1. Mash the avocado in a bowl with the lime juice and garlic until well combined. Season to taste with the sea salt. Eat while making goofy faces at a baby.
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12 thoughts on ““Cheater” Guacamole

  1. I can totally relate, except replace the guac with spoonfuls of peanut butter, followed by a swig of milk (straight from the container). The baby laughs and smiles make it all worth it, though!

  2. I think a dinner of guac sounds 100% reasonable after that! I wouldn’t even call it cheater guac — it contains actual avocado, right? Then you’re all set. :)

  3. Oh, girl, I’m about a month ahead of you in this whole mess. One teething tip that has helped for us: frozen breastmilk, either in one of those mesh food things or in a paper towel in a pinch. Teething is no joke. Hang in there. (Or at least that’s what people keep telling me.)

    If it makes you feel better, I nurse mine to sleep about half the time. I kind of love it.

    And I’m totally doing this cheater guac. In fact, I would say that if it’s got avocado, it’s not even cheating.

  4. Ooh, I love nursing to sleep too, so so much. What I don’t love is when my arm falls asleep so I adjust, and that wakes her up :) But the first while after she passes out is the best thing ever.

    I actually froze a few cubes of breastmilk the other day! I plan on tying them up in a washcloth since she’s all about trying to eat the burp rags lately, so I thought she’d enjoy the cold fabric. Great tip. Good luck with the rest of your teeth cutting!

  5. I’m loving your take on expectations vs. reality. Plus any type of guac works for me, cheater or the whole shebang.

  6. Man, Ruthy. It’s hard for me to find words for how downright kickass I think you are right now! So much admiration and love for you as a new mama, especially taking the time to share it with us AND make this amazing guac AND survive teething. I get tired just thinking about it! Your little chica is SO. SO beautiful and adorable and I’m so happy for you three!!! Wishing you guys rest and energy and happy times :) :)

  7. Oh Cynthia, you are so sweet! It’s more fun than work these days, to be honest. That makes this all much, much easier :)

  8. Bless your heart! Those baby smiles on the good days do make this all worthwhile and when she laughs because you are the funniest person she knows, she’s also telling you that you are the world to her. That’s worth her precious chubby little cheeks in gold. Let me be the voice that says, you will get through it. It just seems to go more slowly when you are sleep deprived but when you look back, that blur is what helps you forget the traumatic parts and decide that you can do it all again. Otherwise we’d all stop at one. :)

  9. Aw, thanks Stacy! I agree- the further away I get from the newborn stage, the blurrier I remember it being. The other day I caught myself thinking, “I totally want another baby” – when like three days after the birth I remember thinking, “NEVER AGAIN”. Her chubby cheeks are so worth all the stress.

  10. Your post reminds me of my role at home. I always try to push the baby to sleep early at nights just to have some time with my husband but never works!

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